lost

"I was looking for a safe place in an unsafe world."

"Did you find it?"

"I don't think it exists, so I created it."

bye bye

Goodbye Average Grant. And don't ever come back.

all these things i've done

I'm sorry for ignoring you these past few weeks.
I'm sorry for not bothering to say hi to you.
I'm sorry for letting my anger towards him and Mayo out at you.
I'm sorry for being jealous at you and her.
I'm sorry for behaving like a stranger at you.
I'm sorry for getting mad at you when you were with them.
I'm sorry for acting like a child.
I'm sorry for annoying you and getting annoyed by you.
I'm sorry for being very vulnerable and easily hurt.
I'm sorry for wanting you to change for me.
I'm sorry for not being there for you.
I'm sorry for avoiding you.
I'm sorry for not behaving like your best friend.
I'm sorry for wanting to look good, in fact better than you in front of the love of your life.
I'm sorry for still liking him.
I'm sorry for crying alone about what you did to me and what I did to you.
I'm sorry for not telling you about my frustrations towards him.
I'm sorry for not trusting you to keep my secrets safe.
I'm sorry for thinking you will never understand my problems.
I'm sorry for wondering whether we should continue being best friends.
I'm sorry, Edy.
I'm sorry for everything.

all of a sudden i miss everyone

I just finished reading Where Rainbows End by Cecelia Ahern.

Dear Dayang, Ain, Izyan, Teah, Syiqin, Mayo and Edy,
You guys are the best friends I could ever find. I appreciate your existence in the world with all my heart.

Love,
Shahida

Sixteen Candles

Wow, this week is busy. 2 best friends' birthday, mid-term exams, oral tests, plus 3 days of fever! I skipped school on Monday because of the fever :DD (and the oral tests, too!)
It's nice to be naughty sometimes, you know. The feeling that you can take some time to relax and cheer up a bit, it's wonderful. Like now, I should be studying. What I mean is, sometimes, we do get tired.

Actually, the reason why I'm writing now is to wish my 2 best friends a very happy sweet sixteenth birthday. They're older than me now. Haha. Well, that 2 best friends of mine are actually Ain and Dayang. Ain's was on May 5th while Dayang's was today! This year is supposed to be their best year, in fact, our best year. I mean, it's our sixteenth year, and being sixteen is supposed to be sweet. However, I can't celebrate with them this year. I was absent at school on Ain's birthday while Dayang is far away from me - she's in Limbang, Sarawak. It's sad, you know, not being able to celebrate your best friends' birthday with them. It's even worse if you can't celebrate yours with them.

Okay, to redeem myself, I'll write something nice for them.

Ain, or better known as the irritating-good-girl-turn-evil-but-look-absolutely-innocent-in-front-of-others had been my best friend since 2006. We were in the same class and we sit next to each other. She was a nice, quiet, hardworking girl. She is actually fun to be with. You can talk about anything with her, although I actually don't. She is vulnerable and easily hurt. I still remember the time when we just got our results for some exams, and hers are not very impressive. And she cried very badly because she's afraid her parents would be disappointed. Actually, her results were better than me, but I don't really care about it. I don't know. She is always the most hardworking one, and if she sees somebody who are more hardworking than she is, she'll feel guilty. Because of her result last year, she had to let go of her dream - to become a biologist (or whatsoever, I don't really understand it). So my wish for her is someday, she'll be more successful than anyone of us - her best friends, and a lot happier. She totally deserves it.

Meanwhile, Dayang had been my best friend since 2002. She is like a sunshine - very cheery and manages to make everyone around her feel happy and comfortable. Our favourite way to waste time in class back then is by playing dots, or better known as "main titik". Unlike everyone else, we create our own titiks. Our signature titiks are spring (Dayang's) and star (mine). Sometimes, we would create something way extraordinary, like a huge sun or moon or alphabets or whatsoever, and we would laugh out loud at our creations. She also had a not-so-secret admirer named Izzat. Well, he was more like a stalker, actually. Everyday, he would stalk her and beg me to pass his messages to her. It's hilarious, you know. Dayang had never ever been interested in him. After she moved to Sarawak, I felt very lonely and I thought my world would fall into pieces. And I lost contact with her. But thanks to our friend, Illiya, we managed to find each other again. We are getting along much better now. Well, I hope we can get along well forever. I had always imagined of how one day, she returns here without telling me and we meet each other by circumstance and we will scream very loudly like we just saw Voldemort. :DD What a wild imagination.

Well, although I didn't manage to celebrate their birthday with them, I got them a present each. I sent Dayang's 3 days before her birthday and gave Ain's a day after her birthday. I hope they're happy about it.



Dear Nur Ain Arshad and Dayang Maani Zuriah Abang Othman,
Happy Sweet Sixteenth Birthday! Hope you'll have a fantastic year.

Love,
your best friend.


I better hurry. I should be studying now. :DD

when did your heart go missing

I thought I am strong enough now. I thought I can hide my tears behind all the smiles now. I thought I can make it through the rain alone again. But I never thought I can be more vulnerable than ever.

Hey people, where are you?

go

And he never did show up. I guess that's the end, then.

Thanks for the memories, dear.