high skies

And your eyes showed you were tired

But you hid it, such a liar

This is something I made my audience watch back when I was having my short tazkirah for Oral Communication class.

I'm not sure about you, but for me, 2012 witnessed the passing of several good fathers I know. One of which I know very well, whose laughter still resounds in my ears even now; and another is the darling father of a dear friend who is the true example of a daddy's little girl. The two others each have a son who is paving their own name and making people proud everyday.

Rough hands and wrinkles around your eyes

Even your defeated posture isn’t familiar to me

The whole time we were walking together
I just quietly watched from the back

The tears just came out

And they did.

Alhamdulillah

I have a friend who knows how forgetful I can get thus constantly reminds me of things I'm supposed to do. I am grateful for that.

It's been exactly six months and three days since I made that decision. And I'm glad I did, because I have grown so much since then.

Life, at times, is amazingly funny. Or maybe funnily amazing?

close your eyes

For that person who proved to me that from nothing, you can become something very important by trying your very best at the thing you're truly passionate at, thank you.

i think, every now and then, we all need to cry. even if there is nothing sad in particular that happened to us or people around us, we need to shed some tears. just a proof that we are still human. which is why, sometimes i find crying comforting. sometimes i watch sad stories on purpose just to cry. tears to me are a proof that i am here, still alive.

jellyboy's words

As someone who majors in English, the question whether I'm going to be a teacher is asked very often. My mom suggested that I should be one, as well. I have nothing against English teachers. In fact, I have some of my own favourites. However, I have never thought that teaching is for me.

Recently, I got to know this quite-famous-but-still-not-that-famous person. He is a part-time ESL teacher in Korea. Without really expecting a reply, I e-mailed him, asking for his opinion. And he replied!

I'm not going to retype everything he told me, but basically, he said in the end it's up to me, because teaching needs passion. He said teaching is not really his thing, but he's doing it for experience, and of course, money.

What am I trying to convey here. Hmm.

Well, to be completely honest, I just wanted to show off that he actually replied my e-mail. Not that you know who he is though. But still, his advices are good.

I'm considering.

Isn't it amazing how much a small thing can play a huge part in your life?

A few years back, at a Pay Less Books warehouse sale, I came across this book. The cover and the title attracted me. I picked it up, turned it over to read the synopsis, and decided to buy it right away.

But since at that time, I had a little too many books, my mother told me to leave a few. I looked at the book and wondered whether I should put it down.

I didn't.

That book, has actually changed my life. As cheesy as it sounds, that book became quite a turning point in my life. Not that it was the greatest story or a remarkable autobiography of someone amazing, but it was just a simple love story.

That book, became a reason why I picked up my pencil and started writing again.

That book, is the reason why I have written so much today, for it has become a part of me.

That book, is the reason why I can dream the impossible dreams now. Not that I want to become a professional writer.


Thank you, Mary E. Pearson. One more book, and my collection of your works will be complete.

You would, sooner or later, or even now, have one or more photos that you really like. That photo doesn't have to be a photo where you look your best, or a photo taken at a place that you love, but that photo can be just a simple photo of you where you look normal, or even horrible.

I do have several photos that I really treasure. One of them, is the display picture that I have on this blog currently.

Recently I finally realized the reason why this something happened and changed our lives after five years it took place. It was because we were, and still are, very similar to each other.

Have you ever learned a truth so funny that it saddens you?

no matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot

not smart enough not pretty enough not kind enough not thin enough not thoughtful enough not funny enough not strong enough not friendly enough not grateful enough not tall enough not considerate enough not lively enough not generous enough not brave enough not light enough not independent enough not hardworking enough not quick enough not clever enough not sweet enough not feminine enough not cool enough not bubbly enough not tough enough not intelligent enough not fun enough not dependable enough not cute enough not responsible enough not creative enough not lovable enough not beautiful enough not good enough

eventually a day to smile will come

I am aware that there are people who read this blog, but still, I feel the need to write this, at least for my sake.

I have this friend. We met each other when we were just 7 years old. She was among the earliest friends I made, and shortly after she came and said hi to me, we became best friends. We have been told by a lot of people that we look alike. Not only that we were of the same height and have similar body proportions, but we also look very much Chinese. Plus, we did almost everything and went almost everywhere together. People used to call us twins.

Not all good things remain the same, do they?

Gradually, we began to grow. Unfortunately for me, she grew to be much taller, much skinnier and much prettier than me. On top of that, she became more and more like a butterfly as she has always been. She is good at everything she does. She is always better than me. On the other hand, I became the opposite of her. To use Blair's comparison, I was the Darth Vader while she's the Sunshine Barbie.

It was tough for me, especially around people who has known us ever since the beginning of our friendship. People compare us. They don't do that openly, but I know. I have always known that. Although our friendship didn't stay the same, although we grew apart, I have never had any hatred towards her. But you see, it was really hard. Sometimes without me realizing it, I despised her. I couldn't stand even standing beside her. We were very alike, but then we became very different. And I was the bad one.

Despite it all, I don't hate her. I never did.


Hey, D. If you're reading, know that I really cherish you. I cherish our times together. I cherish having you as my childhood friend. Don't feel bad because of what I wrote, because it made me stronger. Thank you for everything. Happy 12 years of friendship. Soon it'll be 13. I love you.

andante

By now, you would have known how much I love writing, and probably what writing means to me.

Recently, just recently, I discovered someone with a great talent at writing. His talent amazes me so much that it makes me feel ashamed as a fellow writer. I did a research on him, and it turned out that he had graduated from a very good university with both a degree and a Masters degree of this course that I once considered of applying. I didn't due to several reasons.

Looking at him, at his works, makes me regret my decision. I regret not insisting on what I had wanted. Not that I am unhappy with my current course, current university, but you know, there's always that famous 'what could have beens'.

ferris wheel

People say life is like a wheel. Sometimes you're at the bottom, and sometimes you're on top.

First semester was not that wonderful to me. It passed by without leaving any memories worth remembering, though there were some good parts. First semester had me struggling a lot; both with people and myself.

Second semester was almost the same. Plus it was too short for anything to happen.

Third semester has been wonderful, fortunately. It started off quietly, but gradually it became better. I made friends, a lot of them. As someone who doesn't make friends easily, the number of friends I made this semester shocked myself. Most of all, I don't just see them as normal people, but as human. Probably because I heard their stories.

The best thing about this semester is that out of those friends I made, there are several that I cherish with all my heart. I am a very indoor, homely type. I don't hang out outside often, but I spend a lot of time with these people. I love the moments we spent together just laughing over silly things. I realized that I am beginning to open up and just go out there and be myself. As a traumatized person, that is a very difficult to do. Because of those friends, I am beginning to develop trust on people. Most importantly, I am beginning to trust myself. It's amazing how somebody who used to be just a stranger to you can change you so much.

Thank you, friends. Hakim, for being my friend ever since semester 1. Yuni, for not minding my silly randomness and just go along with me. Acap, for the good laughs. Akmal, for sharing those awkward moments of being lost in others' conversations. Raihan, for letting me join all of you. Thank you for the good times. Maybe we might not be able to be this close anymore in the future and drift apart, but memories always stay. Someday, we will look back and recall this moment when we were one and smile.

"Crying, searching, falling down, crying again. That's how you become an adult"

When you feel like crying, it is best to just let it out. Lock yourself somewhere where you can be by yourself, and let everything out. Think back of things that hurt you, even those from years ago. Recall every hurtful memories, and cry it out. If possible, play a song that can break your heart while you do so. Just let the tears out. Make the ugliest face and the loudest noise that you can. Just let the tears out. It will hurt you bad. It will break your heart. It will make you feel like it is the darkest phase of your life. But once you are done crying and all the tears are dry, wash your face and put on a smile. It is over now. You can now face the day with a stronger self.

mirror mirror

There will come one point in life where you found someone who is just like you. That person may not be your best friend, your twin, or your soul mate. They may be just a stranger that you have never crossed path with. Whether you like it or not, whether you're ready or not, you will find that person.

I found mine.

I was surprised to learn how similar we both are. How we have the same thoughts on things, the same opinions, the same point of views, the same feelings, and almost the same fears.

By knowing that there is someone out there who is just like me, somehow even when I have to go through the darkest tunnel in my life by myself, I don't feel lonely anymore.

sukirai

When I was much younger, I was placed in a horrible situation. My life was practically a nightmare. Ever since that, I became traumatized, and I started having various complexes. One of them is pushing people away. Every time someone gets close, I sort of freak out and run away. I make them hate me although I didn't really mean to. Somehow it began to look like a reality TV show where the weak ones are eliminated and only the strong ones remain. I lost a lot of friends because of that.

Thank you Nadiah, you must have been through a lot being with me. 愛してる。

glimpse

When life gets hard, sometimes we take some time off for ourselves. Like when work stresses us a little too much, we go off for a vacation to relax our mind.

Sometimes it's tiring to be just me. Sometimes I wish I can take some time off from being me and be someone else for a little while. I wish I can know how others solve their problems and view others as well as themselves. And by learning that, I can try doing them while being myself again.

thought #2

Writing down words is my solace. It allows me to speak out my inner thoughts and calms my mind.

And it shall remain as my solace; a favourite pastime, not as a career.

magic

We were in Sydney. One fine evening, Abang brought us to a nearby mall. On our way back, we drove past rows of shops. There was one particular shop that caught my eyes -- The Cheesecake Shop. I've always loved cakes. Deep inside, I'm dying to try the cakes from there.

Then Abang made a U-turn, and he stopped the car somewhere near the shop. He got off the car, and asked me to come along. I obediently followed him, and tried hard to match our pace. I'm a slow walker.

He then made a turn and entered a shop. It was that cake store. And he told me to choose a cake that I like.


Abang may not say things like compliments or expressing what's in his heart openly like Khun, but I'd rather have him as my abang one thousand times more, than I want Khun to be my brother.

not enough

I really like this scene from One Tree Hill. And I really like her. It's like, every girl can relate to her, and can look up to her. Her feeling of insecurities, her vulnerability - every girl has those.

And I'm not excluded.