pitch black

Old song, but I find it incredibly inspiring. Although it is merely 3:46, it was a 3:46 that started it all. Although it is only 3:46 long, it's enough to make me think, "What the hell have I been writing all these while?". That's right. This is the person I was referring to in my older post.

Why I decided to watch this in the first place was a completely different reason, though.

no matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot

not smart enough not pretty enough not kind enough not thin enough not thoughtful enough not funny enough not strong enough not friendly enough not grateful enough not tall enough not considerate enough not lively enough not generous enough not brave enough not light enough not independent enough not hardworking enough not quick enough not clever enough not sweet enough not feminine enough not cool enough not bubbly enough not tough enough not intelligent enough not fun enough not dependable enough not cute enough not responsible enough not creative enough not lovable enough not beautiful enough not good enough

eventually a day to smile will come

I am aware that there are people who read this blog, but still, I feel the need to write this, at least for my sake.

I have this friend. We met each other when we were just 7 years old. She was among the earliest friends I made, and shortly after she came and said hi to me, we became best friends. We have been told by a lot of people that we look alike. Not only that we were of the same height and have similar body proportions, but we also look very much Chinese. Plus, we did almost everything and went almost everywhere together. People used to call us twins.

Not all good things remain the same, do they?

Gradually, we began to grow. Unfortunately for me, she grew to be much taller, much skinnier and much prettier than me. On top of that, she became more and more like a butterfly as she has always been. She is good at everything she does. She is always better than me. On the other hand, I became the opposite of her. To use Blair's comparison, I was the Darth Vader while she's the Sunshine Barbie.

It was tough for me, especially around people who has known us ever since the beginning of our friendship. People compare us. They don't do that openly, but I know. I have always known that. Although our friendship didn't stay the same, although we grew apart, I have never had any hatred towards her. But you see, it was really hard. Sometimes without me realizing it, I despised her. I couldn't stand even standing beside her. We were very alike, but then we became very different. And I was the bad one.

Despite it all, I don't hate her. I never did.


Hey, D. If you're reading, know that I really cherish you. I cherish our times together. I cherish having you as my childhood friend. Don't feel bad because of what I wrote, because it made me stronger. Thank you for everything. Happy 12 years of friendship. Soon it'll be 13. I love you.

andante

By now, you would have known how much I love writing, and probably what writing means to me.

Recently, just recently, I discovered someone with a great talent at writing. His talent amazes me so much that it makes me feel ashamed as a fellow writer. I did a research on him, and it turned out that he had graduated from a very good university with both a degree and a Masters degree of this course that I once considered of applying. I didn't due to several reasons.

Looking at him, at his works, makes me regret my decision. I regret not insisting on what I had wanted. Not that I am unhappy with my current course, current university, but you know, there's always that famous 'what could have beens'.

ferris wheel

People say life is like a wheel. Sometimes you're at the bottom, and sometimes you're on top.

First semester was not that wonderful to me. It passed by without leaving any memories worth remembering, though there were some good parts. First semester had me struggling a lot; both with people and myself.

Second semester was almost the same. Plus it was too short for anything to happen.

Third semester has been wonderful, fortunately. It started off quietly, but gradually it became better. I made friends, a lot of them. As someone who doesn't make friends easily, the number of friends I made this semester shocked myself. Most of all, I don't just see them as normal people, but as human. Probably because I heard their stories.

The best thing about this semester is that out of those friends I made, there are several that I cherish with all my heart. I am a very indoor, homely type. I don't hang out outside often, but I spend a lot of time with these people. I love the moments we spent together just laughing over silly things. I realized that I am beginning to open up and just go out there and be myself. As a traumatized person, that is a very difficult to do. Because of those friends, I am beginning to develop trust on people. Most importantly, I am beginning to trust myself. It's amazing how somebody who used to be just a stranger to you can change you so much.

Thank you, friends. Hakim, for being my friend ever since semester 1. Yuni, for not minding my silly randomness and just go along with me. Acap, for the good laughs. Akmal, for sharing those awkward moments of being lost in others' conversations. Raihan, for letting me join all of you. Thank you for the good times. Maybe we might not be able to be this close anymore in the future and drift apart, but memories always stay. Someday, we will look back and recall this moment when we were one and smile.