bundles of smiles, bundles of tears

Hello there, Bulan.

How are you? It's been a while since I last talked to you. I'm sorry. And I missed you.

My life has became better these days. I have appreciated being a 5 Amanahian more than I used to. I have fallen in love with the loudness, the hippiness, the happiness and the wildness of this class. I fell in love with 5 Amanah so deeply that I'd feel sad if I missed a day of schooling. My relationship with my friends has improved. I, have improved. Whenever the old me - the moody me - reappears, I'll quickly remind myself of what Britney had said, "I choose to be a happy person,". I want to be happy. Therefore I will remember things that would make me happy and smile. And I also have a great friend sitting beside me. She helps me whenever I have problems. Any problems. It's like I have a second Dayang here. Although they are different both inner and outer, I feel like she is my second Dayang. Since Dayang isn't here and we rarely have a long, great BFFE chat, I told her a lot about things I usually keep to myself. Alhamdulillah for that. And, I also had another rainbow here - John Doe. It's funny to think what I was willing to do just to see him and be near him.

Had? Yes, that's the bitter part. Today is his last day here. And I had no idea about that until about 10.40 am just now. I came across him, holding something I wish I wrongly saw, walking from a place I wish I wrongly thought. That was the last time I ever saw him. Then I sat in my class, gazing at the ceiling, feeling my eyes getting sour.

Bulan, you know what? Before I decided to let my feelings for him soar, I argued a lot with myself. I don't want to be left again. I don't want to get hurt again. But my heart won the battle. And now, I'm left here, again, hurt, again. It's scary to think that I won't be able to come late to school late with him again. That I won't be able to watch out for him if I'm faster than him. That I won't be able to say, "Ah, John Doe lambat lagi," again. That I won't be able to walked behind him after school again. That I won't be able to look at his nice black bag and wondering where did he buy it. That I won't be able to wonder whether there could be anyone that can wear that kind of bag with much more simplicity and elegance again. That I won't be able to see his beautiful smirk again. And that I won't be able to look at his back and feel safe again.

What do I do now, Bulan? I know I should be happy and proud for him. But somehow, I don't feel right. I think maybe I should just trust Chuck. He said if we love something, we should set it free.

Anyway, it's only life, isn't it? It hurts, but it's OK. It's only life.
That's all for now. Thank you for listening. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Time heals. At least now I have my 5 Amanah to cheer me up. And please, watch over my loved ones for me, will you?

Love,
shahida